Becky Beyond Blue

Hi! Thanks for stumbling across my blog :) My name is Becky, I'm 21 and I live in Brighton, UK. I love cats, music and chocolate and I'm one of the unfortunate people to have been struck with Severe Clinical Depression and Anxiety Disorder. In this blog I write about my common struggles of coping with this illness and what I'm attempting to do to recover. If you read my posts you'll gain an insight into living with Depression and maybe find some advice on how to cope.

Monday 9 May 2016

Housing crisis and finding a job suitable for sad people

I'm currently stuck in a situation where I can't afford to live by myself and I can't cope living with other people. I need a space to myself where I can go to escape the world and recover when I need to. A space where I don't have to put any effort in whatsoever with anyone and I can just do what I want without any judgement. I've had so much trouble in the past sharing houses with people. It doesn't matter how much I might get on with them, it completely changes the dynamics in any relationship when you share a space 24/7. It makes it 10x worse when you are suffering with something like Depression or Anxiety, or both. People like me NEED time to theirselves. Everybody does. Where they can be themselves and not need to make any effort. Yes, you will have your own room but there's always the fact that any of your housemates can knock at any point asking for something, or even just barge straight in wanting to talk or borrow something. And when you are not in the state to see anyone, it's not the best situation to be in. Even if you tell them not to disturb you for the day and make up an excuse like "I have to get so much work done." or "I'm revising." or "I'm not feeling well." Whatever your excuse might be there will always be some point in the day when you are forced to interact with people whether you want to or not. After all, you share a bathroom with them most likely, and a living space and a kitchen. You don't have control over whether they have friends round, how noisy they're being or whatever. I want somewhere where on my bad days I can comfortably go for a piss or grab something to eat or slob out in front of the TV without being terrified of bumping into someone and having to force a conversation when I'm really not in the state to. 

If you're like me, you'll love spending time with people, but when YOU choose to. I need time to prepare myself before a social encounter, it's a lot of effort for me. So when I'm not in the mood, I can seem like a grumpy, boring, antisocial d*ck. I don't purposely try and be rude or blunt but when I'm forced into a social situation I'm not prepared for, it may to some people come across that way. And like, for f*** sake I'm having a sh*tter of a day where I'm in a constant battle with my own negative thoughts and I just want to go for a f***ing p*ss! (Excuse the profanity) But instead it causes tension and people take it personally and they start talking behind your back and I've been told on a number of times by my previous good friend that "I know you're depressed and everything but you're bringing the mood of the house down and creating a really stale atmosphere and it's effecting other people."..... REALLY? So instead I'm starving and desperately trying to hold my wee in whilst I've shut myself away in my room in fear of "my current state of mind effecting other people." Am I not allowed to live in my own house? I don't ignore anyone, I don't snap at anyone, I just might not be as engaged and not giving super optimistic and bubbly responses to questions when I'm in that state. And the thing that i believe is the hardest thing for most people to understand about this condition is that I don't CHOOSE to be this way. If I could be super happy chatty fun bubbly Becky 24/7 then of course I would. But I CAN'T. And I HATE it. I don't want to make anyone else feel sh*t. I want to have fun and be happy just like everyone else in this world. But give me some time to prepare and get ready and I'll be the outgoing fun person that most people know me as (that don't really know me or know that most of the time I'm a sloppy useless mess). 

I want to be able to live in a place by myself so I can do what I want and be how I need to be and then choose to go out and be sociable when I want to and feel able to, not when I'm forced to. And have a place to escape to afterwards when I've had enough. This is when the time I do spend with people is most worthwhile and people enjoy being around me. I don't want anyone to see me when I'm in a bad state because I'm ashamed that I can't change it and it makes me feel worse. I hate it when people feel sorry for me and I hate it even more when people make me feel guilty for being in this state. If people could just understand that EVERY SINGLE DAY all I ever try to do is find ways to get rid of this fucking curse. This great big black cloud that constantly hangs above my head that just won't shift whatever I seem to try. When I am around people, I just want to have fun. Something that feels impossible most days.

The problem is though, in order to live in a place where I can be comfortable, I need money. I need the kind of money that I am not stable enough to earn right now. I'm really lucky to be financially supported by my Dad but I feel so incompetent and like a waste of space that at 21 I'm still being fully supported by my parents. It might seem on the outside that I'm just spoilt and can't be bothered to find a job. When that is not the case in the slightest. I would love to have a job and feel normal. But most of the time I'm too scared to leave my house even if it's to do something fun. I am disabled. Not the kind of disabled that most people would associate with being in a wheelchair, but the kind of disabled that's invisible. I have no physical evidence that I am unable to work, but I'm not. I'm not even able to walk 2 minutes to the shop to buy some comfort food most of the time because I don't want to interact with anybody. Even if it is a 30 second interaction while I pay for my f***ing chocolate. 

Another huge issue is that every one bedroom flat that I've looked at which seems to be fairly good value, they have a no pets policy, no DSS (benefits) and you have to show proof that you are in full time employment OR it's students only. I want a cat, I am looking into disability benefits, and I am not stable enough to hold down a part-time job, let alone a full time job and I would still be a student if it wasn't for this f***ing illness. It's bullsh*t

I've been trying to find a job that I would be comfortable doing in order to take the pressure off my Dad having to still fully support me financially. I want more than anything to be independent and earn my own money. Ideally I want to be stable enough to go back to uni and complete my Degree, maybe going on to do a Masters or studying at a music college in Amsterdam. However, I know for a fact that that's not going to happen for a long time now. I really need to focus on getting myself up to a stable level of life competence before I can even think about doing that. I want to graduate uni with a 1st. But that has to be postponed until I can get my life together enough to remember to even get out of bed every day and eat. And more importantly find things to keep myself busy so I don't spiral down into a pit of negative thoughts, unable to pull myself out and thinking the only way to get out of that situation is to off myself. 

I've been looking into being a house sitter, dog sitter and dog walker. Because this just sounds like the perfect job for me right now. It can be fairly decent pay, there's no tax involved, I can work the hours that I choose to work, there's hardly any social interaction involved, the work isn't that difficult and I get to spend time with lots of lovely animals. This is especially good if I end up moving soon into a place with a no pets policy, which is practically all of them. There's a website I came across called Tailster which is an agency to pair people who offer services such as dog walking and dog sitting and other related animal services with clients. It's even got a cool app feature where you can track your dog walks and and take pictures of the dog which the owner can see. Pretty cute.

I've also spent loads of time applying to online jobs such as transcription work and reviewing websites. These are good because it's stuff I can do in my PJs, and can accept as many or as little jobs as I want. Not a huge amount of pay, definitely not enough to earn a living, but it's still money, and gives my days a bit more purpose right now.

Really sorry for the negative rant, just needed to get it out of my system.

I would love to hear if anyone else is facing similar difficulties or has done in the past, or has any advice they'd like to share! Feel free to pop me a comment down below :)

Peace x

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